Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
