I smell stomach acid.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
