hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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