we're chasing vodka with high fives
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
