I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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