I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
