Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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