I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
