How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
