Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
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Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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