i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I want to fling myself into the sun
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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