There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
