I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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