yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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