I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
