fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
