I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
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I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
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It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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