You're a womanizer and a bitch.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
