I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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