I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
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Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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