Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
