Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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