Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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