So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
