Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
