Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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