He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
