Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
