True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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