You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
