mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
