she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
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I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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