I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
