worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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