I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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