just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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