Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
