So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
