You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
