why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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