it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
