my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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