Tell her she can't have a vagina
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
