she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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