he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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