I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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