Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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