Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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