Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
