Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
