I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
