I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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