he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
