i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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