The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
