She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sorry about my life...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dicks are not precious.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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