I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
