Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
