I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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