you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
