it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
