he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
