battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
