the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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